How to be Normal: A guide for beginners

1. Stop Thinking
This is the first and most important step. One of the great things about being normal is that you don't have to think! Others can do the thinking for you. Not sure what to wear in the morning? Ask your mother/boyfriend/roommate/random person on the street. Those pesky thoughts will get in the way of your day. Get rid of em!

2. Follow Trends to the Letter
That's right! Normal people follow the trends, whether they know it or not.  This makes it easier to blend in with the crowd. Look around you. What do you see most around you? Copy it! Of course, there is a fine line between following the trends absent-mindedly and being "trendy." Never ever be spotted wearing a trend first! Always wait for a few others to wear it before you jump on the bandwagon. This will ensure you are not perceived as being unique. Have you ever seen Star Wars? Strive to be like the clones! They all walk around in white suits, obeying orders from a higher person. Perfect!

3. You are ugly and you are proud!
Don't think you're ugly? You're making a mistake right there! You need to go back to step number one. Stop thinking! Insult yourself. Say you're too fat, even if you weigh 90 pounds soaking wet.  Say you're a hideous monster-butt-face, even though you're drop dead gorgeous. Say you have hair like Medusa, even if you should be modeling for a shampoo commercial. This is what normal people do.

4. Sweats, uggs, leggings for pants, and flip-flops rule the world.
You must have these staples in your closet, especially if you are in college. You must wear them everyday, no matter the time of year. Wear your uggs in the summer and your flip-flops in the winter. And you know what's even better? Wearing your pajamas to class! Now that's what I call normal!

5. Above all, avoid personality!
You don't have a favorite color. You don't have a favorite anything. Favorites are for those with spines! The goal here is to avoid standing out at all costs. Laugh at those who do stand out. Only wear bright colors if others are doing the same. Try to avoid bold patterns. Never ever wear heels anywhere! Wear teensy-weensy shorts as soon as the temperature breaks 70 degrees. Wear Hollister, Abercrombie, and Aeropostale all the time.

If you find that you cannot follow these rules, you are not meant to be normal.

The Verdict: It's a pillow! It's a purse! It's a Pillow-Purse!

So, I've been seeing this bag all over the blogosphere lately. Although, I'm not quite sure that I can actually call it a bag. As the title of this post suggests, I prefer to call it a Pillow Purse. It comes in three sizes, an array of different colors, and is obviously very popular because it is sold out at the American Apparel factory. In it's smallest size, I can see the appeal of it as a small clutch. At fifty buckaroos, it's not something I'd purchase, but hey, maybe some people have it like that. But as the size gets bigger, it begins to look more and more like a very large stuffed pillow.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that some people can make it look differently depending on the quantity (and perhaps quality) of items placed in it. But that seems like a bit of a hassle. Not to mention how annoying it must be to carry around this humongous thing beneath your arm all day! My verdict?  Meh. It's not for me.

Why All Uggs Should be Burned Off the Face of the Earth

 

I absolutely, positively abhor Uggs. I apologize in advance to those of you out there who are slaves to the furry power that is the Ugg, but I just cannot stand them. They're an epidemic (You should trust me on this one, I'm a nursing student and I am trained to know epidemics when I see em'). Here is just a taste of the reasons why I hate Uggs:

1. The Price: Up to two hundred dollars, TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS,  for a pair glorified slippers. As much as I love shoes, I have never spent more than seventy dollars on a pair of heels, and yet my peers gleefully spend much more on such hideous footwear. What in the foolishness? What a ripoff! I could go on about this, but I'm going to stop before I give myself an aneurysm.

2. The Look:  Everything about them is just wrong. They're completely shapeless, they have no arch support, and are probably hurting your feet more than they are helping. They flatter no one and they end at such an awkward spot on your leg. They're not quite full-length boots, but not quite ankle boots either.

3. The way they're worn: I personally think that Uggs are built with some kind of Weather Confuse Ray inside of them (obviously proving that Uggs are evil robots sent from the future to destroy all fashion and individuality). Uggs are clearly not meant to get wet. And yet, girls wear them in the rain and complain about how their feet look like Wet Hush Puppies.

In addition, if you're going to wear Uggs, at the very least make sure that they are confined to the winter time. For goodness sake, stop wearing your uggs with your mini-skirt and tank top in the middle of July! I know your feet have got to be getting all hot and sweaty in there. It makes no sense!

4. Ugg Clones Attack: You cannot ever hope to stand out when wearing Uggs. Why? Because everyone and their mother (and sometimes their father too. Lawd. I shudder at the thought) is wearing Uggs. Any given day on campus, one can expect to see a ton of girls wearing a pair of Uggs. And here's where I admit something horrible: I tried on a pair of Uggs once. I took one look in the mirror and was shocked because I had disappeared. Okay, maybe not in the literal sense of the word. It's just that with my jeans and Uggs on, I looked like every single other girl. My uniqueness was instantly glommed over by the hideous boots. I was no longer Crystin. I became Every-Other-Female-Between-The-Ages-of-12-and-30. Who wants to be a clone?  Certainly not me.

Moral of the story: Uggs are evil. Yes, I said it. Evil. They're making you look hideous, they're doing unspeakable acts to your feet, they're taking away your individuality, and charging you up to $200 to do it! Burn them! (Not really. I'm joking. Practice fire safety, guys!)

Phew! Okay, my rant is over.
Pictures taken from:
http://fashionindie.com http://thegloss.com http://houston.culturemap.com http://igotuggs.com

Tights are not pants

I'm probably getting into some controversial and murky waters here, but I just have to say this:

TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.


They will never ever be pants, no matter how much you might wish it of them. And unlike pants, tights are not forgiving and we can see everything. Everything. And I need to stress the importance of this. Tights are, for the most part, pretty darn see through. Which means that even if you're wearing black tights, I can still see your spongebob underwear. I don't want to see your Spongebob underwear. I'm sorry to break that to you. I like Spongebob and all, but no. Just no. I'm sure you've scarred quite a few kids walking around exposed in this way. Please, give everyone a break, and trade those tights in for a nice pair of capris.